Streets of Fire | Life Lessons And More From Kanye West And Jay-Z's 'Watch the Throne'

Life Lessons And More From Kanye West And Jay-Z’s ‘Watch the Throne’

Like the majority of white guys on the incoming edge of their 30s, my musical tastes are largely confined to alternative-slash-indie rock, whatever I listened to in high school, and Belinda Carlisle.

Yet if there is an outstanding anomaly among my playlists, it is that of Kanye West. “Ye” is a very hated man, a very loved man, a man with a reverse self-esteem problem, and a man whose infusion of numerous musical stylings end up creating some dope-ass beats that will reverberate the walls of music history long after he is gone. Though, if you’re Kanye West, you probably believe you will never die.

In addition to throwing down sick rhymes, Kanye also loves, besides himself: bitches, fast cars and straight-up balling. Now, I don’t really know what balling is - or the difference among balling’s straight-up, semi-straight or curved variations - but it is all part of a terrific braggadocio and lifestyle that no human being will ever match. When you throw the cocksure Jay-Z into Kanye’s world and the duo create an album, what you get is this week’s over-the-top ode to opulence, Watch The Throne.

As a white man who has listened to this record several times (**** out of four), I believe I’ve gained have some honest insight into the world of hip-hop artists, and black culture in general. Here are just a few things Watch The Throne has taught me in just a few short days:

- If you ball hard, motherfuckers will attempt to fine you, though I don’t really know what “fine” means in the context of hard balling. I balled hard the other day, for example, and not a single motherfucker tried to fine me. Maybe I simply don’t know enough motherfuckers or I need to be black or something for the fining me thing to work.

- “Shorty” and “bitch” are largely interchangeable. Shorties love being called bitches, and vice versa. Still unsure of where a ho ranks.

- “Jungle Fever” is kind of like “Saturday Night Fever” except instead of a movie from the ’70s it’s a term for when you put a few lines of cocaine on some ho’s black skin to make her look like a zebra.

- If you are a rich motherfucker, 50 grand ain’t no big deal at all. Rarely for a motherfucker is 100 grand a big deal, though for some motherfuckers, it certainly can be (personally, for this motherfucker, 50 grand remains a big motherfucking deal).

- Rappers have a passion for priceless works of art, a taste for fine cigars, and an appreciation for nailing slutty ass hoes on private Gulfstreams.

- Super-rich black dudes have a love for Paris, Jesus, white people and civil rights-era figures that rivals their love of hoes and other expensive fly-ass shit.

- Kanye West regrets leaving his college girlfriend but seems to have gotten over it with the multiple-bitch-per-night arrangement he’s got going for him.

- My Google searches for “Spillin’ Ace on my sick J’s” have all come up short but I hope to have a definition of the term by the end of the day or before I die.

- If another man paid for ‘dem titties, get your own.

- Rap guys purchase a lot of luxury brands you’ve likely never heard of: Margiela, Le Meurice, Audemars, Nike.

- It is acceptable to let off a clip from an automatic weapon if you can find a way to insert the experience into a rap lyric.

- Maybachs and Benzes are the only acceptable automobiles in which a motherfucker can haul around a bitch (or several shorties) and do Jungle Fevers with/on them.