Streets of Fire

Some things written by Jeff Kelley, a man in Richmond, Va. He likes aircraft carriers but doesn't really know the intricacies of them (weight, length, etc.)

Fire Station

We recently moved into a new house right around the corner from a fire station. This is an exciting development in my life, as at no time during the past 29 years have I grown out of the joy of seeing a brightly colored firetruck blaring its sirens on the way to somebody’s nightmare or a cat stuck in a tree.

The goal, then, for the past month and a half, has been to find a way to meet the firefighters (but have it not be weird), get them to a point where we become friends (but strictly platonic), and get invited on ride-alongs to fires (but not have to actually fight the blazes myself and maybe take some pictures or provide the guys with orange slices during firefighting breaks).

To accomplish this goal, I’ve tried a few methods of getting their attention and am considering some others.

- The other night, I walked the dog past the firehouse. Figured firemen love dogs, so maybe they’d be like “What type of dog is that?” or ask to pet her. Instead I think they were a little pissed when the dog shit on their lawn, and didn’t even notice the tank top I was wearing.

- One night when I grill out, I was thinking of making a few extra burgers for the firemen. “Had a few extra burgers leftover,” I’d say to them, my eyes fixated on their 2001 Pierce Quantum 1,500-gallon per minute pumper, imagining myself hanging onto the back as we rode through the city on the way to a fire in a skyscraper. Hopefully they’d just think it was normal to make 20 extra hamburgers.

- Maybe I could be walking by when they were hanging out in the garage, and I could go up to them and be like “So, how about Backdraft?” because firemen love that movie. Instant connection, as I love it too. Then I could ask if they’d ever nailed a hot babe on top of the hook-and-ladder like William Baldwin did.

- Regarding Backdraft, inquire as to which one of them is William Baldwin and which is Kurt Russell and how many Robert De Niros there are (department-wide De Niros, of course, as I’m sure not every station has its own Robert De Niro.)

- Make them some brownies.

- Loan them a few of my Seinfeld DVDs to watch during downtimes but specify that they are ONLY ON LOAN and to not to even think otherwise. And to be really careful as to not damage the corners of the DVD sleeves.

- Give them a framed picture of their firehouse with me standing out front giving a thumbs up.

- Get into a deep conversation as to why their firetruck is yellow and not red, and then once I have their attention turn the discussion to my collection of shot glasses from all over the world in an attempt to impress them.

- Offer to drive the firetruck if they ever need a break or aren’t feeling up to the task of being a hero.

- Swing by the station whenever I go to the grocery store to check and see if they need anything. If not, buy them something anyway so that I can get two firefighter interactions in a single day.

- Walk up to the firehouse when they are standing around outside, and just start flexing.

  1. do-over said: Ask to buy a shirt. Firefighting bitches love to sell shirts.
  2. ayeshamus said: Bring over your supersoakers and challenge them to a water gun fight.
  3. monkeyfrog said: Hooooer.
  4. jephkelley posted this