Streets of Fire

Some things written by Jeff Kelley, a man in Richmond, Va. He likes aircraft carriers but doesn't really know the intricacies of them (weight, length, etc.)

A Description Of My Hotel

When traveling, in lieu of racking up points, I always try to stay in hotels that cost the same or less than a Marriott, Hilton, and the like but are more unique and independent. I think people call them “boutiques,” but I refuse to use that term unless I’m referring to an arrangement of cut flowers.

Instead of sharing a photograph, I have decided to describe this hotel in written form: it is called the Night Hotel, and as the name would suggest, it is very dark and what you’d get if Marilyn Manson and Marilyn Monroe got together and created a hotel: Gothic and perhaps slightly terrifying, yet classy and once posed in Playboy.

My room measures about 100 by 100, and that is in inches. The bathroom is approximately 7 by 3, and that is in centimeters.

I very much enjoy this hotel. But it is not for everyone, particularly those who prefer a bit more living space, light, and pictures of fully clothed people on the walls instead of naked people.

As such, I would not recommend this hotel to families, because as noted, there are photographs of topless women on pretty much every floor. I would say the women in the photographs are attractive and not very ugly, and also quite model-esque. Part of me is actually starting to believe that the women in the photos have actual modeling careers, and make a living being in these types of pictures. The ladies have a look in their eyes that seems as if they either a.) want to make love to whoever is looking at the photograph or b.) eviscerate you with a forged 9-inch Wusthof. I have looked at the photographs several times (for the articles) and cannot say with certainty which is the case, though I would prefer to never have my bowels violently removed through my belly by a hot woman. By the way, there are no articles.

Some members of a family might find this whole picture thing kind of cool (dads, sons, daughters who are leaning that way), but for most traditional American nuclear families this hotel feature is not ideal. Please do not tell my mother about the naked lady pictures in the hotel, or that I am alone in New York City without a guardian.

This hotel would be a great place to bring back and impress, then later score with, a woman. But like, if the woman also happens to be a vampire. It would go down like this: You are dressed in hip Levi’s 527s and one of those cool all-black button-down cowboy shirts with the pearl snap buttons. I love that style shirt. You walk with your boys to a bar that is packed with vampires, and you decide that you really want to take home one of the undead babes. So you order yourself a Jack Daniels on the rocks “and some blood, shaken, for the lady in black over there.” Then you talk to her for a while, and ask her where she’s staying. “The Hilton,” she replies, really vampire-like. “I’m at the Night,” you say, and she gets that little twinkle in her eyes that seems so say that she wants to go back to your hotel, make love to you, then murder you by biting and turn you into a mythological creature. And so you wave at the bartender for your tab, and you leave with a vampire honey, and you walk back to the Night Hotel, and you mosey into the lobby which looks like the set of a photo shoot for Giorgio Armani (and if it is not black, it is white; and if it is not white, it is polished chrome). You take the vampire up to your Gothic room on the 8th floor - same color scheme as the lobby - and immediately impress the hottie goblin, begin making out, then slide into home base just before you get murdered and come back to life a few minutes later, as a succubus.

Also there are some really comfortable robes in the room, and I like that aspect, but the minibar prices are out of this world! Still, four stars (out of four).

  1. felistella said: Best review ever. I’m not staying there (I hate pricey minibars), but excellent review. Also, thanks for reminding me to get the Wusthofs sharpened.
  2. jephkelley posted this