Streets of Fire

Some things written by Jeff Kelley, a man in Richmond, Va. He likes aircraft carriers but doesn't really know the intricacies of them (weight, length, etc.)

The Best of 2010, Part 2 of 4

The second installation of the funniest tweets of the year, according to me, which, hey why not. This looks longer than it is, but it reads fast. (Now with descriptions of who the hell these people are.) I went back and added descriptions to Part 1, too.

imaudihere. (He’s like a really insane normal person who may or may not drive an Audi.)

I hate when I bring a girl back to my apartment and suddenly she’s turned off by all the Star Wars figurines and nude pictures of her I own.

I hate when people threaten to kill me with their “bear hands”. Like I’m not already jealous ENOUGH that you have cool bear hands, jerk! 

I have a difficult confession to make. Remember when you went to that thing, and I said I’d be there in spirit? I wasn’t. :(

+++

lukeinvan. (Lives in Vancouver, in a van, yet somehow manages to raise a family and eat a lot.)

Hello Oregon. Birthplace of oregono, my favorite herb.

I’ve watched Glee twice and both times had sex shortly afterward. Its a promising pattern even at that steep cost of my manhood.

+++

Zaius13. (Showed us that deranged fictional apes do sometimes display human-like compassion when his beloved cat died earlier this year, but nevertheless was back to making people feel totally uncomfortable in a few short weeks.)

NO! I SAID THE SYMBOL OF THE REBEL ALLIANCE! THAT’S THE STAR TREK LOGO! GIVE ME THE SHAVER, MOM! I HATE YOU! YOU’VE RUINED MY NECK BEARD!

This may not be the best hot dog vendor in town, but I sure like the way he nibbles my mustache.

Sometimes, if I’ve performed adequately, my wife lets me sleep under a corner of the blanket.

+++

3hoss. (A man of few words, all of which make you question where this man came from.)

I wish I had the strength to accept the things I cannot change, and also the strength to run through a brick wall.

A long guitar solo can be a good way to avoid answering the question “Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?”

I never thought I’d love my family more than my Xbox 360, and it turned out I was right.

A good thing about using DVDs instead of tapes is that it’s probably a lot harder to tape over your wedding ceremony with ALF reruns.

Whenever I hear the smell of fresh cut snow falling on a soft lake of blood, it always reminds of that time I went insane.

Most people don’t realize that if they had really tiny hands and wrists they could wear bracelets made out of onion rings.

Mom said the reason Dad never went with us on family vacations was because he was busy visiting some place called On A Bender.

I don’t think I’ll ever be as happy as I was during the summer that I pretended to be an Old Navy mannequin. 

I don’t remember much of my childhood, except that it involved a lot of dead guinea pigs.

After I die, I hope I’m recognized for my huge contributions to the fields of philanthropy and landfills. 

+++

jasonmustian. (Sick, twisted, demented, incredible.)

“You know how sometimes you get a song stuck in your head and can’t get it out? Ok, now imagine the song is a tumor.”—Insensitive Doctor

When it comes down to it, Coinstars are nothing more than robot homeless people.

In a pinch, the Holocaust Museum probably makes a pretty decent Haunted House.

16 World Cups = 1 World Gallon

If the cover of the latest Brooks Brothers catalog is any indication, laughing by the sea is the pinnacle achievement for a white person.

Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”—Where’s Waldo Audiobook

+++

daveshumka. (Dryer than like a really, really dry wine. That dry.)

Jumping the shark? I don’t know what that is. Oh, you mean “Switching apartments with Monica and Rachel.”

I want to listen to the audiobook of The Qur’an. Can someone please burn me a copy? Seriously, folks…

I’ve decided on my perfect fingernail length. Who do I talk to about having it made permanent?

The Curves in my neighborhood went out of business. Now whose window am I supposed to press my wiener against? Yours? Yours.

+++

sween. (An imagination that stretches past the vastest corners of the universe, Sween cashed in on his popularity this year and hit the big time: Toronto.)

Dropped a Q-tip, but I caught it before it hit the ground. The ninja behind me said, “Whoa.” Then we high-fived.

“2-2-2-” “Choo-choo-choo!” “What?” “What?” “I was giving you the account number.” “Oh. I thought we were pretending to be trains.”

My wife said she’d like to have sex and then I noticed the top was still spinning.

If you really look at squirrels, you realize how muscular their little bodies are. Their sexy, sexy bodies.

I’d like to meet George Clooney. He’d talk about the cool stuff he does. I’d talk about being married. He’d get sad. I’d say, “It’s ok.”

One does not simply walk into Mordor. It’s a gradual slide. Life choices mount up and then one day you look around and realize, “Huh. Orcs.”

+++

biorhythmist. (The king of wordplay, and burgers.)

Spent an hour looking for my glasses then finally found them on top of the sudden realization of my own mortality.

Could God create a booty so fine that even He could not avoid getting sprung from putting that round thing in His face?

If I could be any arithmetic operation, I’d be subtraction. I just want to make a difference.

Life is what happens between FedEx deliveries.

Finally decided to give up blinking. I always just end up getting blunk and doing something I regret. 

I can’t even imagine what it must be like to lose to a child.

Your tie says “bold”, but your suit says “clothes can’t talk, silly!”

“This is what happens when you find a stranger in the ice!” - lipreading The Big Lebowski 

Reminiscing isn’t as fun as it used to be.

+++

Hella. (Fellow Bruce fan, but from Texas. Enjoys making fun of his fiancee.)

Look, dude. I don’t care if you are on fire. There is no talking in the men’s room.

We’re already calling dibs on stuff for when we get divorced. That’s normal, right?

+++

Randazzoj. (The editor of The Onion and all-around generally decent, scotch-loving human being.) 

Remember: It’s important to drink 8 glasses of water a day and be extraordinarily wealthy/politically connected.

I’m thankful every day that Thomas Edison invented eating sandwiches.

Just enjoying a quiet Sunday being an emotionally well-adjusted white person in post-racial America watching football.

Dear Grandpa, I’m tweeting from a Virgin jet via Godaddy inflight wifi. How’s heaven?

I’ve been on 8 planes in 10 days! I feel like George Clooney in that movie except with a bigger penis and a better actor/overall person.

I feel like, when the aliens come, people will talk about it a lot on Twitter. Who knows, maybe even some interesting hashtags and jokes.

I can’t wait to see the look on my 2-year-old’s face this Christmas when we explain that China still refuses to devalue its currency.

Whoa, what the fuck was that? I felt optimistic for a second.

Well, that was the most underwhelming descent into madness I’ve ever had.

Question for parents with children older than 2: When do you start liking them again?

+++

iamnotdiddy. (Funny, though few have ever seen his face.)

Never let a baby play with chemicals unless it’s just a household product like bleach. Bleach is okay. 

I miss the days when I used to get laid ALL the time. Man, March 13th, 1993 and October 21st, 1998 were good days. 

+++

badbanana. (TV chef.)

Yes, they’re good. But mangoes act like they know they’re good, and that’s unappealing to me.

I screwed up by using helium and now my inflatable girlfriend and I are drifting apart.

Do you still call it a harmonica holder if you’re only using it to hold fried chicken?

The surprise ingredient in my All-Natural Lemon-Blueberry Muffins? Staples.

This new Leonardo DiCaprio movie better blow Mel Gibson’s mind *before* the Jacuzzi.

I thought that JetBlue flight attendant story was really cool until I found out the plane was on the ground. 

My smart phone is so stupid I bet it’ll let me buy tickets to see “Charlie St. Cloud.”

+++

adamisacson. (Knows a lot about Latin America, enough that sometimes he even gets on Fox News, his favorite news station.)

Like Antonio Gramsci, Li’l Wayne was imprisoned, and sometimes in conversation I have to pretend to be familiar with his work.

It gets dark so early this time of year. This leaves more time for orchestral manoeuvres, but that’s small consolation, really.

I was writing a long story about a guy returning from the Trojan War, then I realized “The Odyssey” had already been written. Epic fail.

Live fast. Die young. Leave a good-looking system for task management, project planning, and group collaboration. 

Like a stealthy puma, I swipe a donut. Like a mighty oak tree, I stand around a lot. Like a raging river, I smell a bit like fish sometimes.

People in my generation also have “friends with benefits.” Why, I myself have a friend with a really good 401(k) matching plan.

  1. electronsbro reblogged this from jephkelley
  2. jephkelley posted this