Streets of Fire

Some things written by Jeff Kelley, a man in Richmond, Va. He likes aircraft carriers but doesn't really know the intricacies of them (weight, length, etc.)

The Best Of 2010, Part 1

The other day I put out a list of the Top 10 Funniest Tweeters, peoples who have obviously dedicated a large part of their lives/miserable existence to writing and saying funny things. I also used a complex algorithm to put that list together, which I won’t get into here because of its complexity. However, there are many folks out there saying funny things, so I decided to compile (many of) the jokes that made me laugh the most this year. Part 1 of 3.

thesulk. (The king of self-deprecation and a Family Guy writer and totally doing Sarah Silverman like weekly.)
“Goodbye, big yellow thing I like. I’m not sure I’ll ever see you again.” (Dogs at sunset)

A hot woman pushing a baby carriage is like a photo of a pizza.

If I don’t know a guy’s name, I just mutter the word “Bill” and hope for the best.

The stillness in the air when I turn off the Xbox is the silent scream of wasted life.

Therapist just left a .38 on the coffee table and walked out. I think I get it.

I don’t see what the big deal is about Secretariat. It’s a horse that can type. So what?

Sometimes the SNL audience sounds like a polite town watching their football team get crushed. 

You should never drive drunk. Unless it’s a slight hassle to deal with your car and all that crap.

Just saw “Unstoppable”. Spoiler alert: Stoppable.

Next time you’re in a pitch black room whisper “15 years ago” 3 times, turn on the lights and, just maybe…

Mom: Are you watching the game with friends? Mind: No. Help, mommy. Mouth: Oh, yeah. They say ‘hi’.

“Things were perfect until she died. But did her boyfriend do it? Yes, he did.” (5-Second Dateline)

When I ride alone with a random guy in an elevator I’ll wait a sec then ask “two man killing spree?”

Thinking of a Father’s Day gift for dad. Anyone know a good breath store?

Plug “Pharmacy” into Billy Joel’s “Honesty”. Have a terrible evening!

Things my dad has ruined for me, in no particular order: trust, restaurants, my stomach, biking, love.

+++

Aimee_B_Loved. (Makes being from Kansas cool, sorta.)
I’m looking for investors for a comedy club/Mexican restaurant. It’s tentatively called Oaxaca Oaxaca Oaxaca.

You know you’re getting old when you’re at a bar but wondering what’s on the Discovery Channel.

+++

stevewhitaker. (Proud to call him a real-life friend, though he’s still never bought anything for me. I take that back, he bought me coffee once. But still, waiting for like a toy or something.)
I think Oprah should marry Deepak Choprah and take his last name.

It’s amazing how human beings forget pain over time. It allows us to propagate as a species. And explains the Tears for Fears on my iPod.

+++

meganamram. (Horribly disfigured.)
Why do we “drive” on a “parkway” but “park” at a “strip club”?

You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t have a large collection of child pornography.

Laundry Day. People keep staring at my pajama pants, polo shirt, and skin graft. 

No one told kid George Clooney that if he didn’t stop making that classically handsome face it would stick like that.

Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff. 

+++

lafix. (Has a weird foot thing.)
Regis in a threesome with Kelly and David Letterman: “DAVID! YOU’RE QUITE A SPECIMEN! KELLY, YOU’RE BLOCKING MY VIEW OF DAVID!”

Every time someone says something was “handled with aplomb,” I totally picture a plum wearing shades and a cape.

Eating a banana when no one’s around is a waste of a billable hour. 

+++

UncleDynamite. (HUGE fan of Nickelback and people who crave attention online.)
I’m getting you that Coldplay sweater you always wanted.

Not the other Boleyn girl, the other other Boleyn girl. 

You don’t want to know what gets said at the breakfast table of Calista Flockhart & Harrison Ford. You don’t even want to know.

+++

sloganeerist. (From Memphis, not sure which one).
At the risk of dating myself, I just asked me to dinner next weekend.

What’s the difference between Jesus and a good cornbread recipe? I’d be interested in talking to anyone who’s found a good cornbread recipe.

My wife and I have decided to have 9 kids and teach them all to make cakes because hello fucking genius TV show idea.

+++

dysolution. (From Wisconsin. Enjoys cheese. Probably likes Paul Rudd, too, like me.)
I’m a strict¹ constructionist².
¹ huge
² dickhead 

I hate how I can’t look at a FedEx logo without seeing the arrow and the meaninglessness of existence.

+++

apelad. (American cartoonist and wonderful humorist.)
I pronounce MGMT “mugmut.”

If we all start pushing now, I bet we can plunge the earth into the sun by February. 

I finally saw Master and Commander over the weekend. I would have called it Olden Times Boat Chase.

+++

fireland. (Sigh.)
“Baby I’ll pay your bail / And stroke your vestigial tail” *bangs head on piano* I HAVE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND

Ever yell at other drivers so much you run out of breath and get lightheaded and pass out in the middle of the highway and get run over?

According to this handwriting analyst, I am scared of analysis and like hearts a lot and have no idea how to spell peenus.

I asked her to marry me and she took out her phone to tweet the moment. “How do you spell LOL?” she asked. I put the ring back in my thong.

I’m sorry, honey, but you never said the pony had to be alive. Well maybe it was your imprecise language that “ruined” your birthday.

You ever get so into making out with someone that the world just disappears and it’s like you’re not even in jail anymore? 

  1. electronsbro reblogged this from jephkelley and added:
    was too busy for twitter this year (I...my incredibly repetitive, uninspiring...
  2. dysolution said: Excellent company - thank you! Paul Rudd says “hi.” At least I think that’s what he said. He’s having trouble speaking through the melted cheese.
  3. talesofaniceberg said: I love this list! I laughed sodamnhard at these and started following one that I wasn’t already following!
  4. jephkelley posted this