Concordia movie (a synopsis)

Here’s what I’ve got thus far on my script for Concordia, the movie about the doomed cruise liner in Italy, due out Summer 2013.

So this dude, Giampiero Consigliere, is just nailing this hot chick. This goes on for about seven minutes before the opening credits start. There is graphic nudity. “Walt Disney Pictures Presents.” We see flashbacks to the attractive couple drinking wine and eating huge platefuls of spaghetti and breadsticks, and now they are back in his room just going at it, hard. “A John Lasseter film.” We then see that the couple is on a boat called the Costa Condordia (the camera pans out of the room, off the deck, and into the sky to reveal the ship’s name and movie title). “Condordia.” Consigliere is like 35, tall, has olive-colored skin and sort of looks like a younger George Clooney. Maybe the door to the deck is open and a breeze is flowing in and blowing the curtains all around as they make love, but I haven’t really thought about those details. There is a bottle of red wine on the bedside table, a mirror on the ceiling and the girl he’s banging is Scarlett Johansson or at least a very close lookalike. And I mean the guy is just absolutely crushing her. January Jones is also considered for this role, as is Giada.

The camera then cuts to Armando Rigatoni sitting in his condo, which overlooks the Roman Colosseum and the Leaning Tower of Pisa. He is a man in his late 50s or early 60s, but still super good looking, like George Clooney but slightly older. His job is an Italian cruise ship crash investigator, and you can tell because he’s reading through a case currently under investigation and there are pictures of crashed ships all over his apartment, and plus you could totally tell from the previews. The phone rings as he is lifting a forkful of spaghetti to his mouth. He picks up the phone and on the line is Benicio Serafino, Rigatoni’s boss. “There has been an accident,” says Serafino, played by George Clooney. “You have to get down here right away.” Rigatoni puts on a black fedora, a really cool jacket, shuts off the light to his apartment and opens his door to the hallway, so that all you see is the silhouette of him and his fedora and sweet jacket set against the white glow of the hall. The entire scene just looks rad. Mysterious music plays. He lights a cigarette and heads down into the street (raining of course), jumps onto his parked Ducati and heads for the beach to hop on his speedboat and speed off to the crash scene on the island of Giglio. He’d hoped to retire this week. But those plans have been called off. As has the dinner date he had tomorrow with his daughter, but that’s a subplot that alludes to his strained family relationships and isn’t as interesting but does serve to develop Rigatoni as a central character.

We then flash back to a few hours prior, when everyone was partying on the ship as it is headed straight for the rocks, there’s a huge crash scene with tons of explosions and the captain is drunk off vodka and falls off the ship into a giant bowl of spaghetti, some fighter jets fly in and bomb the bad guys who are trying to steal some gold treasure hidden deep inside the ship’s vault, there’s a helicopter fight and a beach invasion to capture and kill the cowardly captain scene, and slow-motion rappelling down the side of an overturned boat, horses, dogs, lots and lots and lots more graphic nudity (full frontal of everyone in the film, including director John Lasseter), and Rigatoni solves the case and ends up with Scarlett Johansson because the dude she was nailing at the beginning dies in the flamethrower battle scene.