Next Time I'll Warn People Before Bringing A Manatee Into The Office

Next Time I’ll Warn People Before Bringing A Manatee Into The Office

Live and learn, that’s what my grandfather always used to say. I tend to be one of those people who has to learn through experience, and sometimes, that means learning the hard way. When I was a kid, I put my hand on a stove burner and quickly grasped the concept of “hot.” It took a speeding ticket - 62 in a 25 - before I quit driving like a bat out of hell. And then last week, when I abruptly showed up at the office dragging a manatee in behind me on a dolly, well, let’s just say I’ll give people a heads up the next time I plan to do such a thing. I will definitely warn people before bringing a manatee or other marine creature into our office.

Hindsight is 20/20, though. And I believe it was a Frenchman who coined the term faux pas, specifically for incidents such as this one.

The funny part of all this is that - despite the weird looks I’ve been getting since I brought the sea cow into work - people don’t understand that I never make the same mistake twice. I remember, as if it were yesterday, the searing pain from that burning hot stove on my hand back in 1985, and that awful feeling in my gut when I knew the police officer had caught me going way too fast in ‘98. And I will always - forever - vividly recall the shrieks of co-workers as they watched me pull a 1,100-pound aquatic mammal into our office building the other day, shouting things at me like, “What the hell?” or “What is that?” and “Are you out of your fucking mind?”

Whoops, my bad. Should have given people a heads up. Poor judgement call on my part.

Don’t get me wrong though: I plan to bring more sea mammals into work more often just so they can see what life is like outside of the water. But before I do, I’ll let people know my intentions.

Add this one to the blooper reel of life.

Without these little life lessons, what would we become? Our adult lives are built upon the paths we take and the decisions we make. Sometimes, the decision can be as simple as, say, which deli meats to put upon a sub sandwich. Then you have more difficult considerations, such as keeping the sideburns or letting them flourish. And then other times, you wrongfully decide to tell absolutely no one that you plan to lug a 10-foot herbivorous ocean beast straight into the halls of your workplace, slopping water and mucous all over the floor and walls as it flops around, and groans, grunts and barks audibly in a futile attempt to send signals to the rest of its herd, which, unfortunately, are still moping around the warm waters of the south Atlantic somewhere.

All this, apparently, to the chagrin of your bosses. Um, hello? I don’t recall anything in my contract that said we couldn’t bring marine mammals into work. Not totally my fault here, though I will take a majority of the blame on this one.

Minivan or SUV? French fries or potato salad? Notify coworkers that you plan to bring a helpless endangered species into the office - or don’t?

Apparently, I chose wrong. It is but a minor snafu on this journey we call life. And In the end, I’ve learned a valuable lesson: People don’t like being surprised by manatees, but hopefully they’ll be more accepting of the conjoined dugongs I’m hauling in next week.