Getting rejected by McSweeney’s - and believing that you have what it takes to get published there - is, in and of itself, one of the whitest things a white person could ever do. The rejections from editor Chris Monks, however, are some of the kindest rejection letters you’ll ever receive. Chris actually makes you feel good about losing.
I’ve set a goal to get published on McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, and this was my second attempt in about four months. It will happen eventually.
This piece, Presentation of the Updated Oklahoma City Logo to the Oklahoma City Mayor’s Office, was rejected on the basis of poking fun at the Midwest and the editor wanting to be mindful of not sounding elitist. However, he said, “this made me chuckle.” What a pleasant pass.
This essay was inspired by a party I randomly happened upon during a recent work trip. The event was sponsored by Oklahoma City’s tourism department. “Oklahoma City?” I thought. “They have a tourism department?” The group was unveiling a new campaign and logo, and had a party to celebrate. I of course have no absolutely no issue with Oklahoma City and am sure it’s a great town. You could really substitute its name in this piece for any mid-size U.S. metro area, mine - Richmond, Va. - included.
I did learn a lot about OKC, though. The porn star actually does live there.
Presentation of the Updated Oklahoma City Logo to the Oklahoma City Mayor’s Office
Good morning everybody, thanks for having me today. I’m really excited to be here. As you are aware, our agency was brought on board to give the official Oklahoma City logo a comprehensive redesign, and after an eight year undertaking, we believe we’ve created something that distinctively captures everything that the Oklahoma City-Shawnee MSA has to offer as a place to live, work and play.
Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the new Oklahoma City logo.
Now, as you can see, we have gone to considerable lengths to make sure that no part of the “OKC” region is left out of this proud symbol – the product of a lot of blood, sweat, and tears. And Starbucks runs. Ha ha. Anyway, you will note that the logo is round and divided into several sections, all of which I will get into here. Yes, Mayor Jones, I know there are probably some questions and I just ask that everyone hold them until the end. Across the bottom of the emblem is a swath of green, which represents our vast farmland. If you look closely you can even see a little farmer riding on a tractor. That was my idea, to include the farmer and tractor on the green part. I hope you like it.
If you look even closer, you can see that the tractor is in fact a John Deere.
Across the middle of the logo, running horizontally, is a big blue segment. This is the Oklahoma River, and while I understand that the river is technically more of a green hue, we didn’t want people thinking this part of the symbol represents farmland, as we already had farmland covered in this thing, and that’d be like two-thirds of our city covered in farms, which is simply not the indicative of the region. Oklahoma City offers a lot more than just some fucking farms, right people? Also, I drew in some little rowboats on the river just to avoid any confusion.
Now, if you take a look in the top left area of the logo you can see a photograph of country musician and Oklahoma City native Toby Keith, as well as one of pornographic film actress and Oklahoma City resident Jesse Jane.
Oh, I forgot to mention, there are a few cows in the middle of the farmland part to represent Oklahoma City’s major contributions to the U.S. livestock supply. My apologies for missing that detail earlier. Yes, Mayor Jones, I will definitely take questions in a little while.
In the logo we have avoided illustrative references to Oklahoma City being one of the most at-risk areas for tornadoes. Our research found that tornadoes, regardless of size, poll extremely unpopular in the 18 to 40 demographic, which is a group we are actively pursuing to increase their interest in coming to Oklahoma City. Studies did show, however, that this segment thinks fighter planes are super cool, which is why we added jets at the top of the logo firing Hellfire rockets down at cows on the farmland part. We think this really pumps up the excitement surrounding Oklahoma City, as well as the imagery of Jesse Jane sucking her finger with that classic “Get over here” facial expression.
The rockets and jets are even in 3-D, which you can check out with the glasses I’ve provided at your seat.
At the top of the logo, I’ve plugged in a few buildings. Just squares and rectangles; nothing very distinctive to the Oklahoma City skyline, as drilling down to that level of detail was difficult to accomplish on a computer design program. We also added in the State Capitol building, which required sacrificing a few of the tractors and cows, but I felt it was important to include. If you are having trouble finding the Capitol building on the logo, it is just to the left of Jesse Jane’s areola.
I’ve also included a picture of a typical white male to show how our race is the predominant one in Oklahoma City. I’d considered adding a black person in there too, however African-Americans are a minority here and thus not as important. And I simply don’t like Asians, which are only 4.1% of the overall population anyway.
After some heavy thought and sleepless nights, I decided to include the image of a hamburger to pay tribute to the Oklahoma City corporate headquarters of Sonic Drive-In. I could not find a picture of an actual Sonic hamburger anywhere so I used one that I found in Clip Art, which I think suits just fine. I also didn’t want to overlook our city’s less salient traits – we need to be honest to prospective tourists and residents – so I snuck in the symbols for two of the many active Oklahoma City gangs, the South Side Locos and the Crips, and actually ended up Photoshopping each of them directly onto Jesse Jane’s left breast.
Oh, and the black scribbles all over the logo are supposed to be roads, as we have lots of Interstates here.
So, folks, that’s it. What do we think? Happy to take any questions you may have.