The Rise and Fall of the Cincinnati Boner King →
First complete magazine article I’ve read word-for-word in ages. An incredible story in GQ about the man behind Enzyte, the all-natural male enhancement. And how he’s spending 25 years behind bars.
Heaven Must Be Missing An Angel Or Something To... →
Yeah I know, everyone loves The Onion blah blah blah but somehow I missed this one and it’s hilarious. It’s a guy trying to hit on a girl and botching every cliched pick-up line. So basically, me trying to hit on a girl back when I was in my hitting-on-girls days, of which I am not anymore. Really. Can we just go now? All right, well then why don’t you tell me your sign. I...
Pictures of internet people hugging and kissing.
suburbanreport: Are all very nice but I am possibly hanging out with Geoff and Jon for lunch, and then seeing Spratt on Sunday and I swear to God if they try to hug or otherwise make contact with me, I may lose it. Seriously feeling nauseous over the whole thing. When I think about people in Pittsburgh doing anything right now I imagine them walking or driving through hordes of protesters and...
Nirvana’s “Nevermind” came out in 1991. That’s 18 years ago, not 19 as said in my tweet earlier this morning. I blame the lack of brain activity in the morning, but why does a mistake that a.) is so easy not to make, and b.) doesn’t matter whatsoever in the grand scheme of things because this is Twitter we’re talking about here, still feel like a punch in the...
…is “Avril”? The hell? I’ve been calling her “April” this whole time. I mean, not that I talk about April - er Avril - Lavigne all the time, if at all, because for one I didn’t even know her correct name and plus she has been out of the headlines recently but is back in the news with the divorce from that dopey dude and all, and hasn’t really had...
The News Interviewed Me →
Please note that I DID make a mention of @danaynay during the interview as she is a big part of this site but NBC failed to keep that part in the video about my “award-winning” local, uhhh, blog. Yeah, I have a blog. But not like a “oh-guess-what-I-had-for-lunch-today-type-of-blog.” Whatever. Blogs are stupid.
Hey do you guys know what obscenities are? Because my car broke down on the way to the beach today and I used lots of obscenities (you might know them as swear or cuss words). I used more than just a lot of obscenities. It was pretty amazing level of obscenities, actually. As a matter of fact, I’d put myself in the running for the No. 1 person in America who used the most obscenities...
I just blew my nose into a T-shirt because it was the closest soft thing nearest to my bed. OK fine, it was a pair of boxers.
Look, I know cats are like this huge thing on the Internet and that’s fine and I don’t hate cats (though I am more of a dog person) but I went to a meeting tonight at this girl’s house and she had like three or four cats. I’m allergic to cats and didn’t have a chair so I had to sit on the floor on this rug that had cat hair on it, and I sat there for an hour, and...
Coke or Pepsi?
One of those weird/funny things you learn about someone: Name the restaurant, and Cristin knows whether it serves Coke or Pepsi products. She has a vast knowledge of many obscure eateries, not just fast food spots. Her memory is such that, if she has ever been to the place before, even once, she knows which soft drink maker has its offerings inside. It’s pretty amazing. Today it was...
At Sonic Drive-Thru
[Jeff inserts debit card into card reader]
CARD READER: "Do you know your PIN? Y/N"
[Though Jeff knows his PIN, he hits N for the hell of it]
CARD READER: "Approved."
JEFF: "What in the fuck?"
We get a little too excited when there's free...
Fine, *I'll* Say It
Look, I don’t ever want to mock anyone’s creativity or talents, but am I the only one who thinks the Shit My Dad Says thing is a tad overblown? And now there’s possible book deal in the works? Wha? Here’s an actual conversation I had yesterday: ENTIRE WORLD: “OH EM GEE HAVE YOU SEEN THE SHIT MY DAD SAYS TWITTER? IT’S LIKE SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO...
Oh dude I just ate three Toaster Strudels, those things are the shit.– Anonymous
Remember: In the end, nobody wins unless everybody wins.– Bruce Springsteen. It’s not from a song, but he said it a bunch in the ’80s.